‘I'm just a girl not usually the kind to show my heart to the world
I'm pretty good at keeping it together
I hold my composure for worse or for better
So I apologize If you don't like what you see
But sometimes my emotions get the best of me
And falling apart is as human as it gets
You can't hide it, you can't fight what the truth is’ - Cry Pretty, Carrie Underwood
These lyrics pretty hard say how I feel about it. I can’t cry very easily, I’m good at ‘keeping myself strong’. But I’m in a process to change this, these walls no longer work for me, just the opposite, it made me sick. But being kind for myself, I say thank you for they once protected me.
I feel a kind of anger, an anger because, when I post things about the ‘suppressed side of life, the things we don’t wanna feel, we don’t wanna be confronted with, the less pleasant things’ … people often just don’t react. And no I don’t think that this is about my ego. It is just because, for me, it seems that it is important that such themes are more highlighted. But what I notice then, is just the opposite: ignoring and/or judging.
This makes me sad, disappointed and angry. Because by ignoring it, we don't get rid of it. And compassion is so important, it is the foundation for our humanity.
I’m in the process of a difficult period in my life. I got sick. My body called me back. During this period a lot of feelings and things from the past are coming to the surface and I’m doing my very best to go through this. I know that there is no way to fix this immediately with one press on the button. I’m willing to take my responsibility and to listen to what my body has to say.
For them who (will) join me, for me, it is important that ALL parts of life may be seen, heard and felt. This is all about finding myself back. I no longer wanna please everyone else and neglecting myself in order to fit in and be appreciated, I no longer wanna hide myself, I no longer wanna feel ashamed of who am I, the sensitive girl. And I wanna heal all the things that got me down, that got me in the situation of ‘no feeling’ and pleasing. I wanna face the pain, not running away from it. This is about authenticity.
*How many people are dealing with too much stress, with all kind of chronic diseases - they (and the medical world) don’t really know where it comes from and how to heal it - with burn-out, with depression and how many people really don’t see any other option than to end this life??!
We all find it so bad when such things happen, but on the other hand we ignore it?? And thus, maintain this situation!
Life is about contradictions, yin and yang, dark and light, happiness and sadness, the moon and the sun, … and we need to find a balance in that. Nothing can exist without it’s opposite.
I think that it is important that we all dare to show more our vulnerability, that we are not perfect and that we need to have more compassion. If we talk more about how we really feel, we would feel more connected with each other and supported, because then we would realize that we are not the only one struggling with this or that. Connecting with our body, feeling our needs, connecting with our emotions, being aware of our limits, showing compassion and vulnerability. And our great power to deal with all of this. Because weakness, we need to rethink about what is weakness?!
And this we need to learn to our children and to us as adults ;-)
Yes, we are allowed to feel this or that and yes, we may cry for that (even the boys ;-) ), it is a normal reaction of our body to deal with it, to get rid of it. If we can just hold space for what there is: sadness, anger, fear, guilt, … than we can become aware of it and the emotion can flow through. But mostly, we don’t like be confronted with this negative emotions, we don’t know how to react on it, it triggers something within us, and thus, the other ‘weak’ person needs to be ‘strong’ and needs to put the emotion away. And what happens with something you need to hide??
The anger that I felt at the start and that was the reason for this blog, is somewhere my passion, my strength, my authentic me who is screaming for healing, for attention. I don’t need to see it as something negative, I may see it as a motivation, a call for change!! And I really hope that there may be a shift, little by little and that I can find a new tribe, who will join me in this powerful, authentic, vulnerable journey. Because, we don’t always need medication when we fall ill, sometimes we just need a re-connection (and the willingness to do something with it) with ourselves (our emotions, our intuition, our body, our passion, our soul. Who are we and feeling good in our own skin) but also with a group (of like-minded people)!!
So by sharing my story, I hope that I can make a connection with you, I hope that you find the courage to make a connection with me and the group, I hope that people will feel supported and confronted in order to make a change. I hope that it can make a foundation for a group of healing, compassion, vulnerability and love, a place where we can grow and thrive with people who take responsibility. Because when we do this, then we also serve the world. When we aren’t aware of our issues, behavior, patterns, blockages, triggers, unhealed/repressed emotions … then we keep projecting them to others but when we become more aware of them and heal them, than we take our own responsibility and so we are able to give others their freedom (back) because we don’t expect other people or things to fill that kind of void, emptiness. (which will never be filled when it comes from something outside of you)
As I said at the beginning of this blog, I feel also sadness and disappointment, and I can keep hanging in that feeling if I don’t become aware of this and thus feel like a victim. Because why do I feel so? It is a pattern from the past: ‘I don’t matter, what I feel, think doesn’t matter, people don’t like this and so people won’t like me and things will never change, just keep being small.’ But that in combination with my anger, my passion.
No, no, no … I will no longer hide for that fear of being rejected, it hurts more not being able to be myself and to spread the change that I want to see in the world. This doesn’t mean that I am not doubting about sending this out to the world, ow yeah, it still scares me to death. But becoming sick, makes me aware of the healing, transformation, changes that I need to make in order to get better. I am on a healing journey that leads me to a deeper understanding of the connections between my body, mind and soul.
From the dark we go to the light, to the rainbow, this is simply the wave of life. I still believe in love. So I wanna end this ‘heavy dark’ blog with all there is, all the colors of the world and with LOVE. No matter what. No matter what religion, what color, what physical or mental condition, what your life choice is, … we can all R.E.S.P.E.C.T each other.
'I believe we're made to be here for each other And we'll never fall if we walk hand in hand' - Love wins, Carrie Underwood